It was a very depressing, discouraging place to live. I was so sad and so burdened all the time. I would try to hard to be perfect and it was so exhausting. Then when I would mess up, make a mistake, back slide, stumble, or fall I would try so desperately to sweep it under the rug, hide it in the closet, cover it up and camouflage it so no one would ever see, so maybe God wouldn't notice... I was a MESS and I was EXHAUSTED, and I was so, so sad and alone. Can you relate? Does any of that strike a cord with you? If so, please know that you are NOT alone and there is hope, there is an end to your struggle.
Psalm 139:7-12
"Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become
night around me,”12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you."
You might be thinking "yeah right, no way she understands what I'm going through, if she did she would know there is no way out, there is no end. What does she know about my struggle?" Oh, believe me... I know!! See, I spent most of my 28 years believe that God's love for me was based solely on how "good" I could be, and how well I could follow all of His "rules". When I was 17 I broke my "True Love Waits" promise less than a month after I made it. That's when the enemy attacked with his lies. I listened and believed the enemy when he said it was no use trying any more, I had sinned the worst sin, I had broken a promise to God and He would never love me again. So from that point on I fell further and further away from God. I figured "what's the use" I'll never be perfect, I've already messed up so much, might as well enjoy life. I slide into some very, very dark places over the next few years. From 17-23 I was wild, to say the least. My days and nights were filled with lots of alcohol, loud music, random men, even a few drugs. I was so far down the tunnel that light on the other side was no where to be found. Then I found myself pregnant, married to a man who was cheating 2 months into the marriage, and burying a man that I loved as my brother who was only 6 months younger than me. You would think that was my rock bottom... but no... I'm pretty thick headed, not even those circumstances could get my attention.
Fast forward 2 years... I'm raising my child without a father or husband, I'm taking care of a sick mother, my income was no where near even making ends meet... every month I might as well be pulling names out of a hat to see which bills would get paid and which ones wouldn't. By this time we had found a new church home and I was going every week, going through the motions, but still only clinging to a head knowledge of Christ, not a heart knowledge. I wanted to raise my child to know Christ but I thought I was already a lost cause, I had already messed up and God couldn't love me, might as well try really hard to make sure he still loved my kid. And then... my son got sick. Talk about rock bottom... this was it. We had NO clue what was wrong with my son or what we would do about it. We needed to go to Fort Worth to see specialists but we had no money. Long story short, in the end my son was fine. But through the process we found a church family that loved us, prayed for us, and never left us. We found resources and friends who helped get us to appointments. I found a God who never left me, who never stopped loving me, even when I had fallen so far I thought I was all alone... He was there the whole time. When I had no where else to turn, no one else to lean on, when I thought all hope was gone... God picked me up, dusted me off, and set my feet on solid ground. He wrapped his healing arms around my son and my heart.
You see... His love for us is NEVER performance based. He loved us before we even came to existence. In the very beginning when he created the world, YOUR name and MY name was on his lips. When he sent his son to be born through a human woman our names were on his mind. When his only son was put up on a cross to die for sins he had never committed, our names were on his heart. Jesus has done all the work. Jesus made that good and perfect sacrifice. He paid our debts! He preformed PERFECTLY so that we don't have to! He died so that we don't have to! He bridged the gap between us and the Father. The wages of sin WAS death... until Jesus robbed death of it's sting. Jesus overcame that grave and rose again so that we might live through him. There is no good work that you could do or need to do to gain God's love and affection... it's already there... a good and perfect love for each of us.
You don't have to keep struggling, friend. Stop trying so hard. Stop trying to be perfect. Stop trying to hide your imperfections. Just stop. Breathe. And rest in the freedom of Jesus' finished work. He did all the hard work for us. All we have left to do is believe and accept it and walk with Him in the freedom and joy of His grace and love.
Ephesians 2:8-9 "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast."
